How to Annoy Your Way Out of a Kidnapping
by Ketsui Meraki
Summary: Vlad kidnaps Danny. And Danny, who is really looking forward to Sumerian literature, still manages to be a little shit as usual.


_Title: How to Annoy Your Way Out of a Kidnapping_

 _Summary: Vlad kidnaps Danny. And Danny, who is really looking forward to Sumerian literature, still manages to be a little shit as usual._

 _Disclaimer: Danny Phantom does not belong to me._

 _Hope you enjoy!_

 _(Edit **11/23/2017** : Both chapters have been combined into one, and there were some minor dialogue changes.)_

* * *

Danny woke up trapped on a metal table, with his limbs bound and a collar around his neck, and in his human form. His eyes shifted around, noting the laboratory settings of the room. His lips pursed together into a thin line, and after a moment, he sighed and rolled his eyes.

He then yelled, "For fuck's sake, Vlad, show yourself and get the melodramatics over with so we can skip right to the part where I kick your ass so that I can enjoy my weekend studying ancient Sumerian literature and trigonometry!" Of course Vlad had to pull something on the one weekend Danny really needed to study for his literature and trig classes.

With a dramatic, ominous chuckle, Plasmius floated into the room. "My dear little badger. I see you have found yourself a little trapped."

Danny snorted. "Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Because you put me in this."

Vlad sighed. "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Whatever will I do with you? You bound before me and helpless, how could I resist such a gift?"

"It's pretty easy actually. All you have to do is press that helpful little button that'll release me, then we can go our separate ways and never see each other again," Danny explained. "Also, I don't think it counts as a gift if you get it for yourself. But I suppose that's the life of a lonely bachelor."

"Well, I don't intend to remain a lonely bachelor for long," Vlad countered.

"My mom's not going to magically fall in love with you," Danny said with a roll of his eyes.

"I'm not talking about your mother."

Danny sighed. How many times did he need to say it? "Look Vlad, I told you-" The words Vlad had actually said registered. "Wait, what?! You're actually capable of falling in love with someone else?! Wait no, that's impossible. Was it Desiree? Control Freak? Some sort of hypnosis?! Did one of my parents inventions explode over you?! DO YOU HAVE A FEVER?! Are you ill, suffering from hallucinations? Or wait, no, are you going to commit suicide?! Is that why you won't be a lonely bachelor anymore, because you'll be a dead one?! Or -"

"Goodness child, do you ever shut up?" Vlad snapped, peeved.

Danny had the gall to look offended. "Hey, if you didn't want the witty banter, you should have gagged me. Unless, don't tell me you actually forgot it? Getting senile in your old age, V-man?"

He had actually forgot it, but like hell he was admitting it to the brat. Vlad glared at him, and threatened, "I should just dissect you right now and chop you into bits to feed to Maddie."

Giving Vlad an unimpressed look, Danny deadpanned, "Wow, dissection. Much fear. Such terror. Like I've never heard that one before. How about you give me a threat that I'll actually believe?" Three years, and not once had Vlad actually, truly hurt him. Always tested his limits, yes, but nothing more. Like he'd start now, and they both knew it.

"You are strapped to a lab table, Daniel," Vlad pointed out, twitching. "I am fully capable of dissecting you right now."

Danny yawned. "Dude, I appreciate the distraction, I really do, but I'm really looking forward to that Sumerian literature text."

Vlad looked enraged, like he might actually give Danny a punch or two."You little brat! Do you honestly expect me to believe you'd rather be getting screwed by your literature homework right now?"

"Er..." Time to change the subject. "So who's the lucky girl? Can you just give me the wedding invite so I can go? Should I be your best man, or do you need me to distract Dad so he doesn't crash the wedding? I'm cool either way, though I feel like I should warn the poor sod who's marrying you," Danny quickly said. "And seriously, Vlad, learn to be a normal member of society and stop kidnapping people so you can invite them to your weddings. It makes you look desperate."

"At this point, I am getting desperate," Vlad muttered sourly, crossing his arms, referring to Danny's tendency to spout off whatever came into his mind. He really regretted forgetting the gag now, but if brought it out now, it would be like admitting failure.

Danny blinked, not having expected Vlad to admit it.

"And it's not a girl," Vlad added.

Danny blinked again, then gave Vlad the most serious look he could muster. "Vlad, even if it's some android robot from the future, or if you're in love with some literal animal or inanimate object like, I dunno, hammers or hamsters or something, I just want you to know, this is not going to affect our relationship-"

Vlad slammed a hand down besides Danny's head, causing the younger boy to squeak. He growled, eyes glowing red, "Do you want me to gag you?"

"But then how would I grace you with the awesomeness of my voice? Don't you realise what a tragedy it would be, Vlad?" Danny asked earnestly.

Vlad narrowed his eyes. "I'm sure your tongue would grow back in a few days if I cut it off," he contemplated.

"But that would just end with me babbling stuff at you that you can't figure out and thus you getting frustrated- your blood pressure would rise and rise and eventually lead to a heart attack, then you'd die and terrorise the ghost world full time so no one would like you and then you'd be sad and go off-" Danny continued.

Vlad placed a hand over Danny's mouth. "Danny, kindly shut up, or I really will gag you," he said tiredly.

Danny gave a nod, and Vlad warily removed his hand. "Okay, but like I'd just like to say that, Vlad, I'm totally cool with you being gay, though I'm still not sure why you're telling me this if there no wedding. Wait, is that why you kidnapped me, because the wedding is in Canada or something since gay marriage is still illegal in America or something?" Danny wondered, then quickly backtracked when he saw Vlad's mutinous look. "Shutting up now."

"There is no wedding," Vlad hissed. "And I. Am. Not. Gay!"

"Oh good," Danny blurted out with a nervous laugh. "Cause I was getting worried there for a second what with me being tied up and collared and the constant threats of gagging and you being a sadist, you know. But I'm also kinda disappointed because you are kinda hot for an old man and I was expecting some hot, steamy-"

Vlad brought out the gag.

"Mmph!" Danny protested, but Vlad had stared the boy down until he stopped.

"Now," Vlad said calmly, "As I was saying, I will not be a 'lonely old bachelor', as you put it, for long because your parents signed you up for some summer classes at Wisconsin, and I have graciously agreed to host you. Which means, little badger, you are stuck with me for the entire summer."

Danny's look of horror was almost worth all the pain he just had to go through.

…though Vlad wasn't quite sure why he felt so smug about getting a teenager to spend time with him when that teenager in question was the most annoying thing in existence. Butter biscuits, maybe he really was getting senile in his old age - no, he had to be still young, Danny was just too much to deal with for even the most battle-hardened warrior.

"Now, you may go do your… Sumerian literature," Vlad said disdainfully as he released Danny from all the bindings.

Danny rubbed his neck, then opened his mouth. "Sooo, what was the point of kidnapping me if you're just letting me go again? Were you feeling nostalgic or something, were you worried that your skills were getting rusty and decided to use me as a test run before kidnapping-"

"OUT!" Vlad shouted, face red in anger as he pointed to the door.

Danny held up his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. Sheesh, I'd've thought you wanted me here what with the kidnapping and all, but people are so fickle," Danny grumbled, turning to leave. But before he did, he hesitated, as if remembering something, and said casually, "So you still like my mother?"

Vlad looked offended. "Of course! Now off with you. Shoo! Shoo!" He motioned with his hands, as if Danny were some animal that he was chasing away.

"Aw. I'm disappointed," Danny pouted, then transformed to fly off.

Disappointed. That word triggered a memory from earlier in their encounter, a memory whose significance had escaped Vlad until now.

 _"-also kinda disappointed because you are kinda hot for an old man and I was expecting some hot, steamy-"_

Vlad jerked. He needed to make sure. "Wait!" He blurted out to Danny, who cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah?"

"That was a joke, right? The one where you said you were disappointed-"

"-because I wouldn't be having some hot, steamy-"

"YES! That," Vlad said hastily, not wanting Danny to finish those words.

Danny gave him his best shit-eating grin. "Mm, you know what, I think you should decide that, Vlad."

So it was most likely a joke then. It had to be. There was nothing else it could be, right?

"But you know, Vlad. For someone who's been in love so long, you really are kinda stupid," Danny said, grin disappearing as he gave Vlad a look the man couldn't quite place, before he flew off. Vlad didn't stop him this time.

Instead, the man stared at that empty spot. What had Danny meant? Had he meant that Vlad was stupid for thinking Danny liked him that way? Or did he mean that Vlad was stupid for not noticing Danny's feelings?

Whatever it was, Vlad decided sagely, he was _not_ dealing with it sober.

Meanwhile, Danny was almost out of Vlad's mansion when a thought hit him, making him screech to a halt. He blinked. "I'm a fucking idiot," he swore. Why the hell had he even tried to get away from a perfectly good excuse not to do homework again? He had reacted reflexively since Vlad had kidnapped him, but he didn't want to go back to studying trigonometry. Cursing, he dived back down.

Sheepishly, he peeked into Vlad's lab and saw the man slumped over a table, and asked hesitantly, "Vlad-"

The man jerked, whipping around to face him, and yelled, entirely red faced, "OUT!"

Danny was offended. "You didn't even hear what I was going to say!"

"OUT! I refuse to deal with your teenage insanity, you little brat."

"C'mon, Vlad! Kidnap me again, please? I'll even let you gag me this time," Danny suggested helpfully, walking over to the table and ignoring Vlad's gaping look. "See, I'll even start locking myself in."

Vlad twitched, and lamented, "When did this turn from a kidnapping into harassment?"

"Don't be like that, people will start thinking that you didn't kidnap me and hold me against my will," Danny admonished as he hopped onto the table, then faced Vlad.

"That because I'm not holding you against your will, Daniel. And what ever happened to your South American literature? Finally admitting I'm better company?" Vlad asked smugly, cheering up for a moment before realizing that would mean that Danny would visit him more. He paled, and took a long swing from the bottle.

"Sumerian. And oh my god, Vlad. Are you drinking? Did you finish that bottle? I left you for like a minute, how the hell did you drink so fast?!" Danny asked incredulously, looking at the numerous bottles under Vlad's table.

Vlad blinked, realizing the bottle was indeed empty. He pulled out and uncapped another one. "Do not underestimate my drinking speed."

Danny frowned, and his eyes took on a speculative gleam. Well, if Vlad didn't want to kidnap him… "Bet I could drink you under the table, Fruitloop."

Scoffing, Vlad replied. "Daniel, I am not sharing my quality alcohol with you. Besides, you're underage, so it would be illegal anyway."

"Oh, so it's perfectly fine to kidnap, torture, and beat up a fourteen year old, but underage drinking is where you draw the line?" Danny asked incredulously. "Dude, you need to get your priorities straight."

"Meh, you can take it," Vlad said dismissively, waving an hand. "Besides, you're older now."

Danny sputtered. "Well, beating up a seventeen year old is still bad! And I'll have you know I can handle drinking too!"

Vlad gave him a pitying look, and took a long swing.

"And in fact," Danny declared, a gleam in his eyes. "I'm going to prove it!"

Vlad took one look at Danny and downed the entire bottle in one go. He knew that look - it was one that meant that Danny was about to do something incredibly stupid, and Vlad would, as always, have to end up dealing with the fall out. Like the time Danny decided everyone needed a "cute blobby ghost bestie" and decided every single person in Amity, from Vlad's secretary to the box ghost, needed one.

"Wanna know how I'm gonna prove it, Vlad?" Danny asked then continued on without waiting for a reply. "I'm gonna break into Dad's liquor cabinet and clean it out completely."

With a snort, Vlad replied scathingly, "Good fucking luck with that. Jack only drinks piss poor beer with low alcohol content."

Danny's eyes went wide. He blurted out, "You can swear?! Like actually swear, and not that creepy substitution with sweets?! Oh my god, are you sure you didn't drug me or something? Wait, You mean you're not Lancer's second cousin thrice removed or something? But we were so sure, Sam made a family tree and everything and Tucker was going to invite you to the Lancer family reunion. All that effort, wasted…" Danny mourned.

"Yeah, well, that _is_ what happens when you're an idiot," Vlad muttered. "Just leave already, Daniel. I don't care what shenanigans you get up to, as long as you stay 3000 meters away from me."

"Feet," Danny corrected. "We're Americans after all."

Vlad gave him a disgusted look. "Heathens," he muttered disdainfully. The metric system was obviously better.

"Meh, I guess if you don't mind me getting ridiculously drunk unsupervised and losing my inhibitions so that I can implement various plans including but not limited to Plan Let's have Mom and Dad Remarry So That I Can Throw A Wedding Cake In Vlad's Face, Plan Let's Turn Amity Park Into Halloween Town For Officially Sam But Unofficially So That It Better Suits Vlad's Vampiric Appearance, Plan Let's Have An Impromptu Party At Vlad's-"

"Why do all your bullshit plans revolve around me?" Vlad wondered.

"All my drunk plans," Danny corrected. "And what can I say, you're always on mind."

"I thought Sumerian Literature was always on your mind," Vlad said darkly.

"Aw, did I offend you with that? But Vlad, I realized my grievous error immediately after and came running back to you," Danny said earnestly.

"You know what my greatest mistake was?" Vlad mused.

"Breaking up your relationship with my father to chase my mom only to discover that they had hooked up?" Danny suggested.

Vlad blanched. "NO! Where do you even get these ideas?! Goodness, I need brain bleach, ah, here it is!" He exclaimed, then enthusiastically pulled out yet another bottle. "Now, as I was saying, Daniel, my greatest mistake was you. Why I thought willingly inflicting myself with teenage insanity, particularly of your kind, was a good idea, I have no idea. I must have been sober at the time."

"Actually, I think you were drunk on the need to embarrass my father," Danny suggested, eyeing the rapidly decreasing alcohol in the bottle. Where did all that liquid go? Actually, scratch that. How the hell was Vlad able to remain coherent after drinking that much? Aside from a slightly flushed face, Vlad showed no other signs of his drunken state.

"Same difference," Vlad shrugged lazily.

"Whatever. Now, I suppose I'll just go and buy some alcohol as PHANTOM then, go get drunk as PHANTOM then, and I mean it's not like anything will happen. It's not like I've never drunk alcohol before and thus will have no idea what my limits are and thus will probably have too much and will this probably pass out as PHANTOM and afterwards turn into FENTON. Nope, that would obviously never happen," Danny said innocently.

Vlad paused, then said gravely, "You must be truly desperate to try to blackmail me for help."

"Blackmail? Who said anything about blackmail? That's such a strong word to use. I only said I'm just gonna go get drunk in front a couple hundred people if i can't get drunk in front of you. That's not blackmail, that's a fact," Danny said brightly.

Vlad looked at him mournfully, then lamented, "You're picking up all the wrong things from me. Avoidance of responsibility, blackmailing, and now alcoholism too."

"At least I haven't picked up your habit of being a drama queen," Danny shot back. "Now are you going to let me get drunk so I can have an excuse not to do homework or not."

"Joke's on you," Vlad snorted. "Halfas can't get drunk. Why on earth do you think I'm still coherent?"

"What?!" Danny exclaimed horrified. "You're joking, right? I beseech thee, tell this humble soul that thou dost lie!"

Vlad gave him an odd look.

Shrugging, Danny replied, "I've been forced to read too much Shakespeare in English class lately. Now, Vlad, please tell me you're lying, before I'm forced to subject myself to ancient Sumerian literature."

"I'd tell you, but that would be a lie," Vlad replied smoothly.

"Then what's with you?" Danny demanded. "Why all the bottles?"

Vlad shrugged. "Meh, I like the taste."

Deflating, Danny muttered, "Damn, there goes my plan to get drunk with you and end up sleeping with you."

Vlad resolutely pretended not to hear that. The boy was obviously messing with him.

"Wait a second, this means I can down a hell of a lot of alcohol and still be sober! Hah, Dash is gonna be so pissed when I beat him in a drinking contest. This is awesome, I'm gonna go challenge him right now, he can be my excuse instead. See you later or hopefully never, Vlad!" Saying such, Danny flew out. Or tried, at any rate. His attempt was cut short by the Ghost Shield that had suddenly activated around the room. Danny slammed right into it and then fell to the ground with a groan. "Ow! What gives, Vlad? Geez, Are you finally going to kidnap me again? Oh my god, this is soo typical of you. Why can't you ever kidnap me when I want to be kidnapped?"

Vlad had a pained expression on his face, but he finally held out a bottle towards Danny. "Just - just take it."

"Fruitloop, I am not interested in getting fake drunk with you," Danny deadpanned. "That would be boring, and probably only result in repeated bathroom trips."

With a sigh, Vlad replied with resignation, "I lied. Halfas are perfectly capable of getting drunk. I just have a high alcohol tolerance."

"Liar! You just want to bore me to death," Danny accused.

"Why do you always fall for my lies but doubt me when I'm telling the truth?" Vlad mourned. "Damn it, Daniel, if you're going to go get irresponsibly drunk, at least responsibly get drunk in an environment in an environment where it won't matter if you accidentally use your powers."

"Fine, fine," Danny relented and floated over to Vlad's table.

"And don't harass me any longer," Vlad added.

As he sat down on the desk, Danny retorted cheerily, "Me? Harass people? Why, I never. Though, thanks for sharing your alcohol."

Vlad rolled his eyes, then began to reach out an opened bottle to Danny. "Here. You'll never want to get drunk again after your first hangover anyway."

"Yeah, yeah. But the real question is, does this count as a date?" Danny pondered.

Vlad gave Danny a look, and in a fit of childishness he would later vehemently blame on him drunken state, dumped the bottle of wine in his hand all over the boy.

"Hey!" Danny sputtered, flailing. "This was not how I intended my first taste of alcohol to be, you know!"

Vlad smirked smugly as he settled back comfortably into his chair, finally feeling pleased. Served the boy right for ruining his day.

* * *

 _This is my first DP fic, so I'm interested in hearing from the fandom. Tell me if you liked it or not, if they were in character or not, whether you think Danny's just messing around with Vlad or if he really does like him, or anything at all, really._

 _So please leave a review!_


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